I had to make an appointment with my endocrinologist today. My 6 month sonogram and lab work. This makes me cry every single time and every time I am in and out of panic attacks for the entire day; sometimes more. But this one simple thing. My dining room table with the polka dot table cloth, teal placemats and the pretty cobalt blue glass bottles. The way it it is set up like a showroom. It makes me happy, even when its hard to be happy. It makes my heart beat just a little bit slower and I remember that there are beautiful little things in the world worth appreciating.
It might seem silly to hold onto these little things but when you have to face the fact that you will need to be scanned twice a year to see if the cancer has come back you need a little something to ground you. Right now its my dining room table, just as pretty as the showroom version. Right now thats what I am focusing on. Because just scheduling the appointment is scary as hell. Right now I am focusing on that pretty table and reminding myself that it won’t always be this scary.