The uneasiness builds, creating the foundation for the next level.
The brain tries to analyze this feeling, trying to discover the source but it’s been hijacked and all that comes are the building blocks that create the walls for fear.
My internal monologue seems to have split into warring factions. On one side is the spiral, burrowing into the core. The other, tries to bring some sort of logic to the situation.
In this room the uneasiness, built into fear, grows. Panic has taken the reigns and the tension is palpable. Inside my mind the warring factions try to determine what response is needed.
Helpless to lend anything to help, muscles tighten, eyes wide and the parasympathetic nervous system is leading the charge.
Heart rate goes up and a spinning sensation begins to set in. Breath held until lungs burn and darkness creeps in at the edges. There is no fight or flight, just an endless playlist of possible outcomes.
Frozen and waiting. Waiting for the hammer to swing or the other shoe to drop, for the monster to jump out of the darkness and wreak havoc on my already strained psyche.
Breath held and let go, held and nothing but unable to stop the vicious cycle of waiting.
Agitation, resignation, nothing feels right, nothing soothes the raw nerve endings.
The dream is over but the damage has already devastated and despite the exhaustion of it all it still plays on a loop. It’s just another version of my reality, not really so far from the truth.
It would be better if it were just a delusion made up by a brain trained to fear everyone and everything. Primed for suspicious activity. It’s not though, my reality is that someone is actively trying to tear down everything I thought I had built for myself.
So I took the day off from the fight because some days will just be like this but it doesn’t mean I have to engage. Sometimes its completely reasonable to stay at home in bed, distracting myself with a novel, some ice cream and falling off the wagon by indulging in a pack of cigarettes I can’t afford.
Some days, the only thing that makes sense is waiting for it to pass, only using my energy sparingly so when the real fight arrives I have the strength to make the next move.