When The World is Scary, This Makes Me Happy

I had to make an appointment with my endocrinologist today.  My 6 month sonogram and lab work.  This makes me cry every single time and every time I am in and out of panic attacks for the entire day; sometimes more.  But this one simple thing.  My dining room table with the polka dot table cloth, teal placemats and the pretty cobalt blue glass bottles.  The way it it is set up like a showroom.  It makes me happy, even when its hard to be happy.  It makes my heart beat just a little bit slower and I remember that there are beautiful little things in the world worth appreciating.

It might seem silly to hold onto these little things but when you have to face the fact that you will need to be scanned twice a year to see if the cancer has come back you need a little something to ground you.  Right now its my dining room table, just as pretty as the showroom version.  Right now thats what I am focusing on.  Because just scheduling the appointment is scary as hell.  Right now I am focusing on that pretty table and reminding myself that it won’t always be this scary.



Panic and Other Fun Things

I have panic disorder (among other things I’ll talk about later).  It’s mostly under control and normally I forget I even have it.  Today though it reared it’s ugly head and I had to break down and take medicine.  I have a lot going on so it shouldn’t be surprising, school, studying for my insurance exam and working on an Op Ed piece I hope to have published in my local newspaper.  Did I mention I am also currently unemployed and trying to survive on a savings account that get slimmer by the minute.  That in itself should be panic inducing but my life has been up and down for the last year so on it’s own it’s not worth a full blown panic attack.  Paired up with any of the above though and the flood gates open and my heart roars like a tsunami.  In no time at all I go from slightly maladjusted to full on crazy pants and I have to say its not as fun as it sounds.

My doctor’s appointment went well though and we are trying some new things.  I’m hopeful.  I’m always hopeful while at the same time fully expecting another wrench to be thrown in the middle of it all.  I’m hopeful anyway and I’m still working my ass off to get through this rough patch.  After all, we all have them, mine just have a little crazy sprinkled in.


Diversive Ramble

The words unspoken Not even a whisper in my head

Silence is everything

Silence is survival
When I do speak it’s too loud

My ears ring and my nerves are over tightened strings vibrating

I don’t say the right words

Not then

Not now
A scream trapped in the root of my person

A permanent fixture

No amount of pulling and tugging will remove it

Trapped in the sound

A moment in time…frozen and inescapable
My throat is raw from calling your name

All these years I beg for a response and all I get is the echo of my own voice.

Your name suspended in the air

Broken glass

Broken bones

Broken heart

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Under The Gun

IMG_0337It’s Tuesday, as you may or may not know 😉  I’m studying for an exam in Theories of Personality and for my insurance license.  I have to start working while I’m in school because I am running out of savings and running out of financial aid.  In order to graduate I am going to have to pay out of pocket for some of my classes.  This means I can’t just work at the corner store or fast food I have to make enough money to pay for living expenses and pay for classes.

I’m so close to graduating, I only have a year left until I get my bachelors degree in Social Psychology.  The pressure is intense in your junior year and I imagine it’s going to get more intense as I go into my senior year.  I am constantly reminding myself to stay positive and to fight off negative and anxious feelings.  I have to remind myself not to retreat into television, games on my phone, a good book.  I have to remind myself that this is supposed to be hard and it’s OK and that I am up to this challenge.

I will also be writing an op ed piece for a local newspaper soon on student debt.  This is of course a subject that affects me in great ways and if I can use my voice to help myself and all the other students that struggle to move out of poverty then I will find a way to make it work.  It’s scary though, putting my voice out there.  Here in my safe little blog I know there are not a lot of readers and those that read are also writers and while they may internally criticize my writing they generally would not express that criticism in the comments.  They know.  They know what it is to take this risk.  To put your heart into something and lay it out for the world.  It’s a love, passion, compulsion but it is also a risk because at anytime someone can throw out those critical words that nearly break you.

Put some positive vibes out for me or leave some words of encouragement.  I need it this week.  If you would like to learn more about me see these links to some blog posts published on the Valore Books Blog:

Ellen’s Story

A Year to Remember

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Early morning is so quiet and peaceful that I’m a little sad for all the days I slept in and missed how beautiful it is.  My morning ritual is to take my meds, start my coffee, sit outside while the coffee brews then back inside for the coffee and start my studies.

Being a full-time student and mother and employee is a busy life and one that can be a little lonely.  There is no time for friends and when you have been in school long enough your friends just kind of go on with their lives.  I have only a few I talk to on a regular basis, one I study with and the other is my sister.  But early mornings are different, there is no loneliness only an appreciation for the incredible beauty of the early morning.


New Blog Same Great Taste

I’ve started a few blogs but I let them get old and dusty.  The writing is me and not me, or maybe it was me.  At the very least it’s a snapshot of who I have been but not at all representative of who I am.  So, new blog, new writing, new thoughts and ideas.  I can’t say for sure what it will be exactly but it will have some great stuff.

So about me… I’m a full time college student studying Social Psychology and minoring in English.  I’m the mother of a 15 year old daughter, mother of two kittens that like to try and help me write by walking on my keyboard, I’m a writer, I’m very opinionated but open minded enough to have a discussion.  I’d like to post about social justice, write essays and poetry, write about Social Psychology, human behavior and society.  We will see what happens.  I’m hoping somewhere along the way I can settle on an overall theme to give it some consistency.  Oh! I would love to have some readers and I would really like to see what everyone else is writing about.

Leave a comment, like a post, show me there are signs of life out there.  This blog needs love so I hope you will say hi or “I was here”.

Until next time.